Satire: Wall Street Banker Hires Protesters

www.theonion.com/articles/magnanimous-banker-hires-occupy-wall-street-protes,26666/

Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters

'I Like Your Pluck!' Says Gracious Plutocrat

November 15, 2011

The Onion

NEW YORK—Saying the recently arrested protesters had just the right kind of tenacity and pluck needed to shake up the financial services industry, magnanimous and benevolent Morgan Stanley banker Hank Billings approached members of the Occupy Wall Street movement Tuesday morning and hired each and every one of them on the spot. "This is exactly the kind of self-starting, 'won't go home till the job's done' kind of attitude I like to see," said the gracious Billings, claiming that he had grown to admire "the cut of [the activists'] jib" since the movement began in mid-September and that "moxie such as [theirs]" should not go unrewarded. "You all were out there every day, giving it everything you had, and by God if you ever took no for an answer. Sure, you all took some digs at me, but who needs a bunch of yes-men standing around, anyway?" Billings then reportedly smiled, shook each protester's hand, and said he would see them all in the office "bright and early Monday morning," noting that a personal history of lawbreaking had never hindered anyone's career on Wall Street.

Apathetic Americans Waiting For OccupyWallStreet To Go Away

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-waiting-for-protesters-to-clearly-articulat,26353/
Nation Waiting For Protesters To Clearly Articulate Demands Before Ignoring Them
TheOnion
October 12, 2011

As the Occupy Wall Street protest expands and grows into a nationwide movement, Americans are eagerly awaiting a list of demands from the group so they can then systematically disregard them and continue going about their business, polls showed this week. "The protesters need to unify around a shared agenda with precise policy goals so I can begin paying no attention to them whatsoever," said Tulsa, OK poll respondent Kaye Petrachonis, echoing the thoughts of millions across the country. "If they don’t have a clear power structure organized around specific demands first, then I'll never be able to completely tune them out due to a political conflict of interest or an inability to comprehend complex, detailed economic concepts. These people really need to get their act together." Once Occupy Wall Street has a concrete set of objectives in place, the majority of Americans said they would go back to waiting for the sluggish economy to recover while blindly accepting things the way they are.